For a very long time my assumption was that people wanted to see a generalized version of myself and my work. That the way that I was, was simply not fitting quite right in. That my version of me was simply a little off. And for the longest time I tried to dull that version. Dial it down so it fit into the narrative of other people.
When you start practicing dulling your feelings and your behavior or hyping it up for the sake of others you get used to it. But what also happens is a true loss. A loss of once self. I didn’t feel like myself, I felt like another person in another body doing the things that were asked of me.
Pleasing the people around me I lost my own sense of me.
I was copying other artists, entrepreneurs, coaches because I lost the confidence in my own work.
I gave in to clients requests easily because I was tired of fighting for what I believed looked right.
I blamed my surrounding for the things that happened in my live and in my business
I was jealous of people that had it „so much better“ than me.
I was dieting to fit into the idea how my body should look like.
I remember a conversation with an old friend who experienced the same feelings. We both assumed it was the city and the culture we lived in that forced this upon is. But I realize today that this thought in itself is another one that gave power to the surrounding, blaming it instead of facing the truth that ultimately we had a choice and a say in this.
It is not about what is right or wrong here. It is ok to adapt yourself to the surrounding you live in as long as it is your choice you make. As long as you decided to do so.
In the example above we did not decide to dull ourselves down. It simply happened a little more and more day by day without even realizing it. It was the surrounding that inspired it but we let it happen.
Because it was simply easier to try to fit in than to stand out.
So slowly and surely there was a loss of self. Because every dulling, every adaptation, every single „I should do this“ took a little bit away from that self.
But when you start opening your eyes to the possibility that you have a say in your life. That everything you do is a choice made by you. That you are not a compromise!
Then comes a point where you can stop apologizing for being you.
Where suddenly you style of work shines though because it not copied from others.
Where you can liberate your body and accept it for what it is, a part of you.
Where you find ways to make your surrounding fit you instead of the other way around.
Where people you were jealous of are now your idols living a life you can have.
Step by step I decided to stop apologizing. To ask for the things I want and to not bend to everybody’s will except I consciously decide to do so.
Do I have a perfect life because of this?
No I don’t, not yet, maybe not ever. I lost friends who couldn’t accept this new version of me. I lost clients and therefore money because I changed my approach to my work. I needed to started so many things again and again to try to find the version of things that suited me.
But in my eyes I gained something more important than a "perfect" life: I gained my sense of self back.
I accept myself for being the way I’m and I’m done apologizing for it.
I accepted my body after 30 years of fighting with it because it is part of me.
I gained new friends that think the way I do.
I do the art and spread the message that I believe is important.
I live a life that I chose to live even if it is harder then what I was used to
This way, day by day, I gain my self confidence back. This has been a process that started years ago and sometimes I fall back in old patterns, but I know now that with patience I can be that version of myself that I want to be. That deep down I already am.
How about you?
Are you dreaming of another version of yourself?
Are you still waiting for something to happen in your life?
Or did you already started your journey to being you unapologetically?
I would love to hear your what your thoughts are. Simply comment below.